Posted 1:31 PM by Floyd

Evan Kirchhoff -- who has found his automobile and is able to participate in California's "car culture" -- has published perhaps his best post ever. Evan takes aim that those who would sue "Big Food" to trim us down to a size 8, and fires until he has run out of target:

And I've read that last line several times: apparently it really does say "Willpower is influenced by price". Yes, "corporate irresponsibility" is now literally equivalent to "selling products cheaply". So why are we stopping at food? I've noticed that cars have one or two harmful side-effects, and I believe that recent round of 0% interest rates was a deliberate attempt by Big Car to sell cars to people. Obviously we need a $10,000 per-car surcharge to help strengthen the "willpower" of our citizens in the face of this irresponsible corporate assault. (In the interim, I will accept checks at this address from anyone who feels that they need a willpower boost: just add 20% to the value of any consumer good or service that seems "too cheap" for your self-control and then mail me the difference. For an extra 10%, I will write an 800-word newspaper story explaining that you are not an idiot.)

Then he spits out the shells -- they appear in his blog as asterisks -- and goes after every god damed moron in America.

Here is what I believe to be a reasonable proposal. Just as corporate shares are divided into "preferred stock" and "common stock", let us establish two classes of American citizenship. The "common" citizens would take the position that, hey, life is complicated, and they'd prefer to outsource as much decision-making as possible. Their alcohol would be carefully rationed, their smoking banned, and they would obtain all healthcare from a state HMO that would carefully track their bodyfat and cholesterol count. They would receive a lavishly-illustrated weekly newsletter entitled "What To Eat". Also, these people would be barred from voting in elections above the local level, similar to the "training-wheels democracy" now functioning in Iraq. (Since the initial premise of this argument is that such people, if left to their own devices, are incapable of feeding themselves competently, they certainly can't manage the abstract thought required for matters of industrial policy or national defense.)

Meanwhile, the "preferred" class of citizens would have to make do on their own, aided by nothing but ten thousand or so different newspapers, magazines, books, journals, universities, and the internet. They would be allowed to eat anything in any quantity, and would receive somewhat lower tax rates in exchange for agreeing not to sue anyone for what they voluntarily did with their arms and mouths.